12.08.09
The dark secret of online dating for women
Horrible subject lines from many, many guys.
I stumbled across Matt from PlentyofFish’s great blog post on terrible subject lines, which describes my online dating experience to a “T.” (Then I commented on it, and then I realized it was from last year. Still, timeless.)
10.23.09
Who is on these online dating sites?
I went to the Apple store yesterday to upgrade my iPhone. The place was jam-packed, and the super-nice Apple guy helping me was looking for an available computer. “Excuse me,” he said to a homeless-looking hippie dude who was typing an email on OKCupid, my second-favorite dating site. “Are you activating an iPhone?”
“Um, no,” the dude grumbled, avoiding eye contact.
“Could I ask you to use one of the computers over there?” he asked sweetly, pointing to the other side of the store. “We try to keep these for iPhone activation only.”
The dude mumbled something, then said, “Give me a second.” He finished typing his email, logged out, and grudgingly picked up his things and walked to the other side of the store.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t been getting good matches through OKCupid lately: I don’t rate well with the hippie homeless-looking types. Which, quite honestly, I’m fine with.
06.03.09
Virtual boyfriends
Lisa Katayama has an incredible gift for finding the absurd and writing about it in a really compelling way (usually combining a straight delivery with a genuine respect and curiosity), both on her blog and in her articles for Wired and other pubs (such as the one I work for in my day job).
She recently talked to the WSJ about virtual boyfriends, which are apparently becoming popular in Japan. The article says:
Sites like “Web Kare” (“Web Boyfriend,” at Web-Kare.jp) let users choose animated characters that live on their computers and cellphones; when prompted, they’ll tell you how great you look.
I love that “they’ll tell you how great you look” is the one feature mentioned.
Here are two of Lisa’s dating-related articles for Wired:
- Japan’s pick-up school.
- Love hotels photo gallery. (We discussed this, in a very uninformed way, in the Bros Roundtable a few months ago.)
Ed. note: I wordsmithed this about four times after I originally posted it, but it’s still not that well-written.
04.30.09
This is totally a scam
I’m kind of excited. I think I just got my first scam email through OK Cupid.
Date: Today, 6:41 pm
Subject: Youare SO cute!
haha
That is all
TomI have newer pics on myspace (of course! lol)
http://www.myspace.com/[REDACTED]
so ADD ME!
Of course! lol
04.19.09
The form Match.com response
My Match subscription ends on Wednesday, and I’m so excited. As I was clearing some things out of my inbox, I came across this email, clearly the Match version of spam. It’s gold, really.
From: bambini***
To: [me]
Date received: March 27, 2009
Subject: Heaven must be missing an angel!
Hi There,Venus sent you to me and I felt resonate with your profile. After seeing your charming and warm smile, I asked myself, Heaven must be missing an angel! I couldn’t help responding to your profile.
I believe that we share similar values and have a few common interests. You seem to be sincere, unpretentious, and down-to-earth, and they are qualities that I truly admire in a person. I like to read, cook, excercise, watch movies, and attend cultural events among other things.
I came to the U.S. 20 years ago to continue my education in Accounting and fell in love with the Bay Area because of its gorgeous weather and cultural diversity. I am a CPA and work as a corporate tax consultant and enjoy my work.
I was born in Italy but moved to Germany with my family when I was three years old and that’s where I grew up. I don’t have any kids but adore them and get along very well with them.
Being as romantic as I am, I would welcome the opportunity to worship the ground you walk on if you open your heart to me.
Please keep smiling as your smile makes this world a more beautiful place to live in. Thanks for taking the time to read my letter and I certainly look forward to hearing from you soon.
Ciao,
Bruno
My smile makes the world a more beautiful place to live in! I feel so special!
04.07.09
Email 14.1: Trust Your Instincts
I sensed that this guy was a little, um, high-maintenance from his overuse of ;o) smiley faces, the tone of his emails, and the frequency of his emails. Well, the story didn’t end there. He sent me a follow-up email.
Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 3/14/09You still around?
:O)
I didn’t respond. I got another.
Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 4/1/09So correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t we have SOME kind of dialogue started? Was kinda hoping to continue it, myself… And you?! :o)
Hope you’re doing well…
In fact, I wasn’t hoping to continue it. That’s why I didn’t respond. I know I’m going to sound like a hypocrite (hear me out), but I disagree with his characterization of our email exchange as a “dialogue.” This is the blessing and the curse of online dating: someone can stop communicating as soon as they’re not interested. Sure, I wish more guys on Match would write me back, but they don’t because they don’t consider me a good fit. No harm, no foul. Done. Next. But you can’t take these individual rejections, for lack of a better word, personally. And you shouldn’t be a glutton for punishment.
I wrote him back.
Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 4/1/09Hi, [his name]–
You seem like a really nice guy and have a lot of good things going on in your life. The more I thought about it, it just didn’t feel like you and I would be a good fit.
Good luck in your search!
Take care,
[My name]
Nothing really to say after that, right? Wrong.
Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 4/1/09Well, I have to admit that I AM a little disappointed, but I DO understand… And yeah, I am SO beyond the “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” phase of my life… Been there, done that.
Best of luck to you as well…
Take care,
[His name]
I’m glad I trusted my instincts here and didn’t pursue even another email with this guy. He seems nice, however, if we met up even for coffee, I would regret it about five minutes into it. Plus, I suspect he’d be hard to shake after a break-up.
04.06.09
My new favorite dating site: Crazy Blind Date
I had a bit of a dating-related freak-out a week or so ago. I was spending so much time at my computer, looking at profiles, sending emails, checking my email, and it all felt like such wasted effort. At the same time, I felt trapped in my house, that life was kind of passing me by. I’ve never been the kind of person who waits until she has a boyfriend to do X, yet suddenly I felt like my entire life was on hold until this search was over. But how was I going to find someone when nothing I was doing was getting me anywhere.
So I thought, I should go gonzo. Sonia suggested speed dating (I’m still looking into that), and my friend K. emailed me with two brilliant ideas.
- Quiz dates. Team pub trivia for singles.
- Crazy Blind Date. Spontaneous blind-dating.
K. totally took the lead on the Crazy Blind Date. She signed up, went on a date with someone the next night, and had a great time. She said there wasn’t really a love connection, but they both said they’d like to hang out again.
So inspired by her speedy action (and speedy results), I signed up. I filled out the basic information (it’s really minimal), listed what days I was free, what neighborhoods I could meet someone, and how much notice I needed before. I listed four times I was free and got fixed up on two dates.
About a day before the first one, I got an email from CBD saying that they found me a date. I was supposed to meet L., 32, at a particular time and a particular neighborhood. I got to choose the place from a list. They also gave me a few details about him such as “Things I’m good at talking about” and “What I expect of a date.” In other words, really just the bare minimum you need to start talking to someone. Except–no picture. You see a highly pixellated picture, and you can see how they finish this sentence “You’ll know me because I look like…”
A half hour before the date, CBD sends you a text to let you know that they’ve opened up a relay between you and your date, so you can text each other through CBD without revealing your phone number. It’s perfect for “I’m wearing a red shirt and jeans” or “I’m sitting at the bar, green pants.”
Then I got there. I quickly found L. and ordered myself a beer, then we grabbed a table. I was amazed at how easy it was to have a real conversation. The job stuff came up, of course, but since you know so little about the person, you just dive right into really talking. It was really, really fun.
L. and I got along great, although I don’t know that there were any sparks (he did have a rad Scottish accent and, as faithful 100E/20D readers know, I have a thing for voices), but we talked about hanging out after he gets back from a work trip (coincidentally, to this Swedish town I have been dying to visit).
After the date, you fill out a brief feedback form: Did the person show up, how would you rate their attractiveness, how would you rate them as a date, etc. Through that, you can also send them a message and allow (or not) CBD to give them your phone number and email address.
I also went on a CBD on Sunday with J., who coincidentally went on a date with K. on Saturday. She’s been on four CBDs so far, and has had really good, fun experiences with all but one. (They ask you to stay at least 20 minutes. She couldn’t get out of the conversation, so she ended up staying for an hour before she was able to make her exit.)
Here’s what I love about it:
- There are zero expectations, so you can let the conversation be what it is.
- It gets me out of my house and meeting people right away.
- I get to try new bars.
- It’s by the same people as OKCupid, and it’s got that same “Dating is fun! Meeting people is fun!” attitude. I love that. It should be fun.
I just canceled my Match subscription, and I think that, for now at least, I’m going to focus on OKCupid and Crazy Blind Date for online dating.
The only question is, what do I call these in my accounting? It doesn’t seem right to count them as dates.
03.26.09
Is age discrimination in dating wrong?
My coworker A. and I were talking the other day about how frustrating it is that guys in San Francisco seem to be in this state of arrested development. They can have kids whenever they want, and when they decide that’s what they want, they can always date someone younger. So, they get a free pass until…mid-30s? 40s? 50s? After dating guys her own age who just wouldn’t deal with their lives, she’s dating someone about eight years older. “He’s a man,” she said. He plans things, he takes responsibility, he’s got his act together. Yay for A.!
A. said that her guy friends started to feel the urge to get serious around age 33. My friend R.’s roommate said something similar. When he was younger, he said that even if he was with the right girl, he wouldn’t marry her. Now, at age 33, he feels that if he meets a good girl, he has to marry her because he’s running out of time. A’s friends don’t seem to hear any clocks ticking. They prefer not to date girls in their mid-30s because women at that age could be in a rush to get married, and they don’t want to be rushed.
I do suspect that this is one reason why I don’t get more responses on Match. At 35, I’m at the age where some guys think I want to get married right away. They don’t want the pressure, so they don’t write back. I understand, but it feels deeply unfair. I’m a good person. I’m smart. I’m cool. I’m in a band, for god’s sakes! I do want to get married and have kids, but not immediately.
Years ago, my now 41-year-old brother said that he wanted to be like our dad: he wanted to marry a hot, younger chick. And, oddly enough, a few years ago, he fell in love with a hot, younger chick who’s perfect for him, and he’s marrying her next year. She’s my age.
I don’t want to be like our parents. My dad was almost 50 when they had me (my mom was almost 40), and there is a serious generation gap between us. That’s one reason why it’s frustrating to me that so many of the guys contacting me are significantly older. I was talking about this to Sterling, of the Bros Roundtable, and he said, “To be fair, aren’t you doing exactly what you’re accusing guys of? You’re ruling these guys out because they’re too old.”
He’s right, of course. But why is it so damn hard to date someone my own age?
03.24.09
What the hell am I doing?
I’ve been seriously questioning the value of all this online dating nonsense. It’s a lot of work, a lot of money (in the case of Match), and I’ve met only one nice guy through it (not through Match — I’ll post about him later). In the meantime, I’m spending all this time at home, alone, on my computer, trying desperately to get return emails. In the meantime, I’m missing out on all these things that I want to be doing.
Online dating sites are kind of like virtual bars, right? Match is like the big, pleasant bar with the obvious neon sign. Everyone goes there first. If they like the people there, they stay and they hang out. If they don’t, they just end up being virtual wallflowers, sipping their beers, and trying (perhaps in vain) to talk to people. It works for a lot of people. Two of my friends met their husbands through Match.
I think what I’m realizing is that Match isn’t really for me. It’s so much work, and for me, there’s no payoff. I’ve only met up with one guy from Match, and as you can all see from my ever-increasing tally of emails sent, it’s not really from lack of trying. Yes, I could try harder. Of course I could. But I still don’t think it’s quite the right place for me.
People there are all about what they do. I’m not really about what I do. I mean, I play music, but I don’t want to talk about music all the time. I like traveling, but it’s more about the little experiences, eating an eclair by a Japanese patissier on a sunny day in Jardin du Luxembourg. I don’t care about crossing off countries as if they’re on a big to-go list. I like having smart conversations and doing stupid things and struggling with the crossword on a Sunday morning while eating a big, gigantic homemade breakfast. I want a home that feels cozy and welcoming, where friends drop by and we have big BBQs in summer and game nights the rest of the year. That doesn’t really translate on Match. Or at least, I haven’t been able to make it translate.
I need a new strategy. I need to actually meet people, like in the real world. I’m open to suggestions, people. I don’t need cheerleading, I need strategy. In the meantime, I’ll do a third revision of my profile and see what that gets me.
Email 14: Smiley faces are not endearing
I’m 35. I’m beyond the age of smiley faces. Yet, I can see their purpose in email, text, IM, etc., when you don’t have any body language or tone of voice to get your cues from. Sarcasm, for example, can just come across as bitchy if you don’t follow it up with a :) or ;).
This guy’s profile was chock-full of :O) smiley faces. I thought, maybe he’s just trying to be cute or doesn’t quite know what to say. He did have some thoughtful things, too, like how at our age, you just have to accept that everyone has baggage. It’s the scars of living a life. That’s maybe more eloquent than he put it. He’s also a musician (plus) and lives on the peninsula (minus, but not dealbreaker). I wrote him.
Subject: Everyone does have baggage
Date: March 5I loved the line in your profile about everyone having baggage and that it’s silly to deny it. I had a friend once who, in college, said she never wanted to date any guys who hadn’t been crushed (her word) because there’s something valuable that you learn from that experience. And by the time you get to be an adult, it seems that if you haven’t been hurt, you’re either freakishly lucky or you just haven’t been trying to find your person.
What’s the cover band? A friend of mine and I used to dream about starting a cover band together. I envy people who know that many songs. (It’s easy in bluegrass — you only have three, sometimes four chords).
He wrote back about an hour later.
Date: March 5
I don’t know what else to say except…. YUP! ;o)
Seriously, it was really kind and sweet of you to acknowledge what I had to say about the subject. I mean come on, puh-LEEEEEAZE! Right? And I HATE that we’ve all had to have been “crushed” to become this way, but I guess it is just “due process” at this point… Yeah, I think we ALL would’ve liked to have found the loves of our lives the first time out, but then you KNOW that most people who’ve done that might have been wondering, “Hmmm… Maybe I settled or should’ve found out a little MORE about myself first, huh?” I don’t know… Just another “perspective” on the whole thing, I guess?! Oy…
The cover band would be [Funny name of band]. LOL! And when I think about it, yeah it is pretty staggering how many damn songs I’ve learned/played over the years?! Good to know I put the old noggin’ to good use for SOMETHING, right?! Again, oy… LOL!
And I think it’s WONDERFUL that you play Mandolin… I’ve always been kinda terrified of it with it’s skinny little neck and different tuning and all… Hee!
Alrighty then… Enough of my ramblings for now… Thanks for “stalking” (as they call it here) for profile! Yours is wonderful, by the way… *Blush*
Ummmmmm. I didn’t write back. He IM’d me on OKCupid a couple of days later.
Hey there… I’m assuming you got my reply to your note?
Whoops… Maybe you’re away from the computer, oh well! Just wanted to say “hi”… Hope you have a wonderful day! I’m gettin’ outside myself while the weather’s so nice… See ya!
And then he emailed me again. With the ;0) smiley face. I know it sounds really lame to not be interested in a guy because of smiley faces, and let’s be honest, that’s not the reason why. There’s just something about his energy that is really, really turning me off. I found his email exhausting to read. And the smiley faces are part of that.
