03.09.09
Email 12, Date 3: The “resume date”
For some reason, the only people I get matched up with on Match are in their 40s. So when J. (45, musician, blah blah) emailed me, I thought, “What the heck? Maybe I should be open to guys 10 years older than me.”
Date: March 1
Subj: Musicians are the best…I enjoyed reading your profile. I think we have at least one very special thing in common, which is hard to find in a mate, music. I have a business career, but still make music a big part of my life. I’ve been playing in bands for a very long time, and still do.
Please have a look at my profile, and if you think we should learn more about each other, let me know. I’d love to come and see your band some time.
Happy Sunday.
I have a (minor) quibble with the “we have one special thing in common which is hard to find in a mate” thing. My friend R. and I were just talking about this on Sunday. She said, “I don’t think everyone loves traveling the way that I love traveling.” I said, “It’s the same with music.” Everyone on Match is into traveling, hiking, music, and trying new restaurants. (Our friend Annie had a friend who didn’t like traveling or hiking, and she quit it because she couldn’t find anyone.) It’s not that special.
Anyway, I wrote back.
Date: March 4
Subj: Re: Musicians are the best…Oh, I bet you say that to all the musicians.
It’s so great to have that balance that you mentioned. I worked for a while (six years, actually) at a guitar magazine. It was my absolute dream job when I started — and again when I got to head up the relaunch of our magazine for beginning players — but after six years, music felt like work. Thankfully, a new job, playing some different styles of music, and a little bit of time helped me find my love for playing again.
So what kind of music do you play? What’s your favorite thing to do in the Virgin Islands? (I’ve never been.)
His response:
Date: March 4
Subj: Musicians are the best…I have a friend that works at a guitar magazine. His name is [redacted]. Maybe you know him?
I play a few styles of music, but mainly rock, classic rock, funk, pop, r&b, country, blues, a bit of swing. Been in many bands, done a lot of road work with national acts. What about you, what kinds of music do you play?
Favorite thing in the Virgin Islands is BEING THERE. Nothing like it. Most beautiful place on earth. But, to be more specific, I have chartered sailboats down there many times, and also done a lot of diving, snorkeling, and hiking. And eating and drinking, of course. :)
Want to talk on the phone? See if we hit it off? You can reach me at [redacted]. If you’d rather keep writing, write away.
Good night.
I told him I’m terrible over the phone (I am), but that I’d be happy to meet him for coffee. We made plans for Saturday afternoon, and I started to pick up a little type-A vibe as we settled on a place.
Saturday afternoon came, and I really didn’t want to go. I don’t want to date someone 10 years older. My dad is 10 years older than my mom. I don’t want that. I was totally dragging my heels, but I thought that, at the least, it would be good practice.
I was running late, but Muni arrived in perfect time, and I got off the train — two blocks away from where we were meeting — at 1:53. Perfect! As I’m walking up, my cell starts ringing. It’s J., wondering where I am. I know that people’s clocks can be set differently, but come on! Give a girl a five-minute grace period before you call.
The place was packed, so we went to a nearby cafe and sat at a sunny spot near the window. The sun was shining in my eyes, which I didn’t entirely mind, but I had that squinty, half-smile, sun-is-directly-in-my-face expression.
We didn’t really have anything in common (except that we both play two different instruments in very different styles), but he proceeded to launch into what I like to call “the resume date.” He listed off his work accomplishments, his musical accomplishments, the places he’s been on vacation. How he doesn’t just do one or two dives and then drink beers on the deck (which, quite frankly, sounds awesome to me). Oh no. He does four or five dives every day, and when the sun goes down, he goes on night dives. And when they’re tired of diving, they go on serious hikes, “I mean, serious hikes. Not this walk in the park shit.” (He apologized the first two times he said “shit,” then gave himself free rein.)
He asked me two questions about myself.
I know, from reading Men Are From Mars, that guys will go on doing that, thinking that it’s making you happy, unless you give them a clear cue that it’s not. I had that damn squinty smiley expression on my face, so I was giving him a clear — and totally wrong — clue. And I just wasn’t interested enough to interrupt.
Perfectly nice guy, but not at all the right fit for me.
Lessons learned:
- “Music” is not really something in common
- Trust my instincts a bit more: I need to give people a chance, but I also need to listen to my gut. I know what doesn’t work, so I should rule those people out.
- It can be strangely difficult to get away from an afternoon date.
- 43 is my new cut-off age.
03.07.09
ABC News does their own Bros Roundtable
On their front door today, Yahoo had an item about 30-somethings and dating. Of course I had to watch it. They stole the Bros Roundtable idea! Check it out.
03.06.09
Vicarious experience of reading my vicarious blog
A friend of mine recently had his online identity stolen — as in, someone took his photo and name and posted a profile to a gay dating site. He recently found out about it when the online boyfriend Googled him and found the real guy, M., who is straight. The online boyfriend sent my friend 56 pages of IM conversations between him and the fake M. M. sent it to me.
I had two thoughts:
- It’s super neat to be able to peek in on two people falling for each other. It’s such an amazing feeling to go through that yourself, but it’s almost as fun to be on the periphery, watching it happen.
- After about page 3, it became clear that the impersonator was hiding something, which made me even more angry at the false M. The online boyfriend seemed like a nice guy who is looking for love and acceptance. There are few things worse than letting yourself be so open to someone and let them in then finding out that they betrayed you. I hope the online boyfriend recovers from this.
Two more thoughts:
- Be careful when dating online! If someone doesn’t tell you his first name, run away!
- I can now kind of see why people besides my friends read my blog. There’s something really sweet about going through those vicarious experiences.
03.05.09
Compatibility and pick-up lines | Bros Roundtable podcast
We continue along the vague theme of giving someone another chance versus giving up. The Bros start off discussing global affairs, courtesy of an Onion article, and then we delve into the weighty issues of compatibility and successful (and horribly unsuccessful) pickup lines. Gary tries to turn the BRT into a public service announcement, and McBroerson continues to prove why he’s not getting invited to future tapings. Bonus: It’s under 10 minutes!
The Bros are:
- Ray Huff, motorcross champ
- Sterling Matthews, banker (no adjective this week)
- Bro McBroerson, artist extraordinaire
- Gary Supermacho, really really into cars
- Rambro Skeeter, just cool
Pop culture reference:
Coming up, on a very special Bros Roundtable: The Bros serenade the BRT listeners and give the deets on when you should give up on them.
03.03.09
I need to make the time to date
I’ve been chewing over what Kate, Sonia, and Kristin said about A., the anti-Jeff Tweedy, anti-anti-Starbucks-girl guy. They’re totally right. I should have given him a chance. (This is part of what this whole blog is about, really — exposing my stupid dating mistakes so I can learn from the sage advice of my friends and complete strangers!)
I face two main issues when I try to focus on dating:
- I don’t have time to date. (In reality, I don’t make the time.)
- I don’t know when boys like me. (For reals. I’m oblivious.)
With online dating, #2 is off the table. Either they write back or they don’t. So let’s focus on #1. I want to get married someday. I want the whole 2.5 kids, dog, house thing. I don’t need it right now or this year, but I want to feel like I’m heading in that direction. I want it way more than I want more people reading this blog or to become Internet famous through a goofy podcast I do with my bros or, quite frankly, to focus too much on my career. So I can deprioritize all that.
But I generally only have about one night a week to myself. So what else is taking up my time?
- Band practice/gigs. Non-negotiable. Any dude I’m with is going to have to deal with this.
- Freelance work. Am currently trying to save up for a new computer, so once I get enough money tucked away, I’ll stop freelancing.
- Time with friends. Again, non-negotiable. See #1.
My friend R., who is also single, and I had a good discussion about this very topic tonight. “I need to get out of my comfort zone,” she said. Her friends are more coupled and tight-knit than mine. They’re great people, super fun, and exactly the type of friends you’d want to spend every weekend night with. But that’s not going to help her meet someone.
I, too, need to step out of my comfort zone. I need to clear my calendar (a bit — see non-negotiables above). But then… what? My friends are either coupled or bros. So does that just leave me Match and OKCupid?
The “what then?” question plagues me.
P.S. It was too late to email A., but I did email a few other guys on Match and OKCupid tonight. I’m trying to keep a more open mind. And once again, I’m going to bed two hours later than I want to.
What Match has rejected
The first time I signed up with Match.com, I never had anything rejected. I wondered if they actually looked at anything. They do. This time, I’ve had both a photo and a profile rejected. I can see why the profile was rejected, but the photo? Still scratching my head on that one.
This photo was rejected by Match.
Here’s the rejected profile:
An annotated guide to me
[Editor's note: Even though I'm an editor, I am hopeless at writing about myself. So my friends stepped in. But, as an editor, I had to insert a few corrections, addendums, and clarifications. P.S. Don't worry, I won't correct your grammar.]
We are N.’s three married/engaged (and awesome) friends. We think you should date her because she is:
• independent
• FUN
• smart
• loves to learn new things
• she bar-b-ques pound cake (and it’s GOOD!) [Ed. note: I also BBQ other things.]
• incredible (but occasionally absent-minded) cook [Ed. note: I forgot to put sugar in a bread pudding once, and it's been a running joke ever since. The clue was when one of the married friends who wrote this said, "I like that it's not sweet." Hilarious.]
• about to run her third half-marathon
This photo, however, was accepted by Match.
• hilarious, in a very Alanis Morissette kind of way, if you know what I mean [Ed. note: I hate Alanis Morissette. And I don't really know what this means. I think it started with us joking about "ironic."]
• career minded
• polite. She likes to abbreviate her swear words. [Ed. note: What the eff?]
Fun things that you can do on dates with her:
• go out for breakfast
• travel to Paris on your private jet (she speaks French) [Ed. note: Private jet not required, or even desired. No auto execs need apply. I only speak a little French.]
• try new restaurants in SF
• go to her favorite bars
• visit the farmers market across the street from her apartment, and then cook yummy meals
• go see her band play–you can be a groupie with us. She can even play the mandolin and guitar at the same time. [Ed. note: This isn't possible.] She might try to convince you that this isn’t possible, but keep asking her to do it! [Ed. note: No, seriously, it's not possible.]
• take long walks on the beach. We know this is super corny, but it’s actually really fun! Take her on a long walk on the beach!
What she is looking for in a dude:
• funny and clever
• smart and curious
• socially adept
• up for an adventure
• enjoys eating different types of food
• good person
• creative
• just an awesome all-around guy
03.02.09
Dating book redux
The San Francisco Chronicle ran a funny little piece summarizing the dating advice from a few semi-recent books: The Rules, He’s Just Not That Into You, and some other ones I had never heard of. It makes me wonder, though, if anyone ever found their mate by thinking of it as a “sale.” That just seems so creepy. Maybe I should say “anyone in contemporary society.”
The Chron also ran this cheery little item about loneliness being bad for your health. Maybe I can get Blue Cross to pay me for blogging by convincing them this whole 100 Emails 20 Dates thing is preventive care.
Email #11: The Uncle Tupelo divide — Jeff Tweedy or Jay Farrar?
One thing I really like about OKCupid is their QuickMatch. It lets you review someone’s profile and rate them (on a scale of 1 to 5) according to looks and personality. If you both rate each other a 4 or 5, then OKCupid sends you an email to introduce you. And you can review as many profiles through QuickMarch as you want.
If someone rates you as a 4 or a 5, you’ll get an email saying, “Log on quick! One of the first people in your QuickMatch will be the person who liked you.” (I’m paraphrasing.) It’s fun and flattering.
That’s how I met A. After we found out that we matched each other, he sent me this email:
Hello just thought I would say hello. So you like the Old 97s. I thought I was the only one that knew who they were. I only have one of there cd’s but I loved it. I see you like wilco also did you ever listen to uncle tupelo?
I LOVE the Old 97s. Plus he’s getting his MFA. Interesting! I wrote back.
The Old 97s is the best band that not enough people have heard of. I could never figure out why they weren’t huge.
I did listen to Uncle Tupelo a bit — I have Anodyne somewhere and I think I had another one of their CDs at one point. Do you fall on the Jeff Tweedy side or the Jay Farrar side?
What’s the focus of your MFA?
He wrote back:
I am a Jay Farrar man myself. I tried to listen to Wilco for a little bit but I could not get in to them. I don’t know why maybe I was just listening to a bad album.
My focus is computer modeling for my MFA. I would like to be the guy that builds the models the animators use. I am very interested in figurative work but I will do what ever buts me to work.
So it seems that you like coffee on you profile. Would you like to meet up for some coffee to chat? I am down to the city a lot now that school is back in.
Well I have to run. I hope you had a good weekend. I spent it avoiding all the couples lol.
Um, the typos were kind of turning me off. It’s an occupational hazard. I can tolerate some typos, and I know he’s an art person not a word person, but…
Plus, he likes Jay Farrar. I kind of hate Jay Farrar. I had a huge argument with my friend Rob (who, after getting his masters, became “Robert”) one time about Jeff Tweedy versus Jay Farrar. He thought Tweedy was a hack who couldn’t sing, period, and was completely emotionless in his delivery of a song. I thought the same about Jay Farrar. Rob(ert) went his way, a devout Son Volt fan, and I went mine, equally devoted to Wilco.
I used that story to sort of smoke A. out on how deep his feelings were on the whole thing.
Haha. I feel the same way about Son Volt. I just couldn’t get into them. A friend of mine and I once had an argument over who had more emotion in his voice: Jay Farrar or Jeff Tweedy. So silly.
Wilco can definitely get weird. I started listening to them chronologically, so I was gradually exposed to the weirdness.
Meeting up for coffee sounds great. [Discussed date and location]
I actually didn’t think the conversation was silly. I get kind of passionate about music.
Actually I am not a big fan of Son Volt I like Jay Farrar solo stuff so much better. I actually stumbled upon a band called Lucero yesterday. I liked them so much that I downloaded them last night when I got home. I can’t believe that I still get that excited when I hear music I like. I think music is the only thing that gets me that excited. I don’t know much about it when it comes to playing but I love to talk about band and stuff I like.
I could meet up Wednesday. [Discussion of a place to meet.] I know there is a Starbucks there but I am not sure if you are one of those anti Starbucks people. I think they killed the good local coffee shops but they seem to be everywhere so I just kind of go with the flow.
I kind of am an anti-Starbucks person. He seemed nice, but I had lost interest. I didn’t write back.
03.01.09
Email #10: Dissing “The Tipping Point”
When someone sounds interesting, but you don’t, in fact, have anything in common, how do you respond? In this case, I commented on the book this guy was reading.
Hi–
How are you liking “The Tipping Point”? I went through a big popular nonfiction reading spell a year or so ago and absolutely devoured “Blink,” but I couldn’t quite get into “The Tipping Point.” Although, to be fair to the book, I had hear some publishing world gossip about Malcolm Gladwell as I was reading it and it may have tarnished my opinion of him. I’ve since gotten really into Mary Roach’s books, which are hilarious and geeky all at the same time.
Take care
Posting my unanswered emails is actually helpful to me. Doy, of course he didn’t write back. I dissed his book. As Bob Sutton says, “Failure sucks but instructs.”
P.S. The gossip was good. But he didn’t bite. I don’t know if I could be with a guy who was gossip-averse. I don’t really care about Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, etc., but I do like to dish now and again.
