BadOnlineDates recently posted something on the best dating books. I’ve been thinking of writing a similar post for a while now. First off, let me say that I think most self-help books are B.S. Many of them are 400-page versions of a Cosmo article: something that is allegedly empowering but is actually kind of insulting to your intelligence. I think one of the best things that people can learn — in dating or whatever — is to trust their own instincts and listen to themselves. And my picks for good dating books encourage that.

1. He’s Just Not That Into You. The good thing about women is that we talk to our women friends about our lives. More often than not, our friends help bring a healthy dose of reality or perspective to a situation. But one area in which we often fail our female friends is in relationship advice. We give each other false hope (“Oh, maybe he’s just busy, that’s why he hasn’t called!”). I love this book because it reinforces the idea that if a guy’s not putting forth a modicum of effort, then he’s not into you. And that’s perfectly OK. Why waste time, energy, and emotion on a guy who’s never going to call/commit to you/end his marriage? This book was a much-needed wake-up call for me and my two roommates at the time.

2. Mars and Venus on a Date. Total self-help cheese (and written in extremely simplistic language), but there’s a lot of good advice in here. Men and women are different. We have different basic needs, we respond to situations differently, and we can be better partners to each other if we understand that. In this book, John Gray shows how to apply the Mars/Venus principles to dating — when you don’t actually know the person yet. One of my favorite pieces of advice in here is to take a step back and think about how you’re really feeling. I often get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and don’t really realize whether it’s working (or how to make it work better) until the patterns start to be established.

3. The Rules. My friend P. bought me this book because it describes, to a degree, her philosophy on dating: be fun and aloof and when he’s ready, he’ll come around. If he’s not, you didn’t get that emotionally involved anyway. I have to include the same disclaimers that Liz Funk did on BadOnlineDates.com. This book is insultingly written and contains a lot of contradictory advice. For example, it says that it doesn’t matter what you look like, you can find the right person for you. But, if you have an unattractive nose, for example, the authors wholeheartedly recommend getting plastic surgery. Gross. But the fundamental idea is a good one: Live your life the way you want. Don’t give up your life for a guy. If the guy is distant, be present but don’t chase after him (an idea that John Gray wholeheartedly endorses in the Mars/Venus books). Give what you get. I recommend skimming this one, though. You’ll get too angry if you read it too closely.