11.16.08
What Makes a Good Wing Woman?
Apparently my comment about good and bad wing women sparked a discussion among a couple of my friends about whether one of them is a good wing woman. Which then made me wonder, what makes a good wing woman? Is it a good/bad kind of thing, or are there shades of grey?
It seems like there are a couple of different kinds of wing women.
- The matchmaker: makes sure you end up talking to the available, interesting guys she knows
- The introducer: walks up to a guy or a group of guys and opens the conversation (after all, she has nothing to lose; she already has a boyfriend)
- The reconnaissance woman: scopes out the scene and reports back on the interesting or hot guys you should be talking to.
Any others I’m missing? The key ingredient seems to be boldness — a boldness that the rest of us single girls can’t provide for ourselves. Other than that, I don’t know. I’m a terrible wing woman.
11.15.08
Criteria, Reconsidered
I couldn’t tell if I was encouraged or discouraged by Sonia and Kristin’s comments about criteria. Sonia’s criteria are driver’s license, checking account, emotionally stable, and wicked sense of humor. Kristin’s were a job (or otherwise financially stable) and able to get along with (or at least pretend to get along with) her friends.
At first I thought, is it bad to set your sights that low? But then I wondered if maybe they were just way more open-minded than me. It’s such a quandary. I kind of know, to a degree, what kinds of people work in relationships with me and what kind don’t. But then again, if I had really gotten it down to a science, then I probably would be in a relationship by now. But on the third hand, I know some people who didn’t meet the right person for them until they got really clear about what they were — and weren’t — looking for. And then it happened quickly (like my now-happily-married friend who inspired this blog in the first place).
So how do you stay open-minded without wasting time pursuing people who definitely aren’t going to be right for you? Where’s the line? Maybe I should just get out there and start doing it instead of obsessing over it. Maybe I should pick a month that’s 30 dates in 30 days instead of 30 posts.
(Thanks, Kristin, for blogging about it and giving me something to write about today! I really need to get moving on this dating thing so my blog isn’t so ridiculously boring.)
Yes, I’m blogging on a Saturday night, which is pathetic and is not helping me move any closer toward the 100 emails (I can’t email a guy on a Saturday night) or the 20 dates. However, it is helping me move closer toward getting over this cold that has not let up for a week.
11.14.08
Moving from Inaction to Action
Writing every day about being single is, quite frankly, depressing. Mostly because I’m not doing a damn thing about it except the navel-gazing that is blogging daily about something you’re not doing.
R. and I were IMing on Wednesday. Sadly, I did not save the conversation, but it went something like this.
Me: So I’ve been thinking about our singledom.
R.: Oh god, don’t depress me.
Me: I think we need to get strategic about it.
Me: Because our problem isn’t that we’re not active, it’s that we’ve tapped out the available resources in our current groups.
R.: Tell me about it. [She then made a reference that was hilarious, but could be misread, so I'm omitting it.]
Me: I think we need to start doing things that will put us in situations where we’d be likely to meet the kind of guys we want to meet.
R.: And we need to get our girl friends to be wing women for us.
All genius ideas. We started brainstorming about things we’d like to do, and R. threw out some names of friends who would be good and bad wing women. You have to know who you can rely on with this stuff. We don’t have time to mess around.
I put it all in a Google doc and we’re going to formalize our strategy some evening next week. I’ll feel so much better about finally DOING something about this. Of course, the timing is terrible for me: I’m ending one job, going to two Thanksgivings, starting a new job, and flying home all in the next month or so. C’est la vie.
11.13.08
The First Weekend Away Together | Poll Results
This poll was inspired by trips that I’ve taken with boyfriends. Quite frankly, it drives me nuts when my boyfriends don’t help cook or clean up and leave it to everyone else to do. I feel that it reflects poorly on me. But then I wondered, maybe they’ve got another plan of attack.
Although the sample size (15) was perhaps — just perhaps — too small to make any wide assumptions about human behavior, here are the results.
The scenario: Your girlfriend/boyfriend has invited you for a weekend at her/his friend’s cabin, with all her/his friends. Which of the following best describes how you’ll act?
- 47% (7 votes): Pitch in and make an effort to be the “helpful, nice girlfriend/boyfriend” to make a good impression
- 27% (4 votes): Focus on being social and spending time with each of his/her friends to get to know them better.
- 27% (4 votes): Hang back and see how/where you can fit in to the existing group.
- 0%: Get totally wasted. Alcohol’s a social lubricant, right?
- 0%: Hang out mostly with your g-f/b-f.
Of course, this poll may reflect the common response bias of people giving the answer they would like to give. Also, the question was phrased in such a way that it asked for people’s intended behavior. I’m sure some of us would, inadvertently, get totally wasted or hang out mostly with our girlfriend/boyfriend. But it’s encouraging that no one would intentionally do that.
I hope that when the PollDaddy plug-in is working in WordPress, I can use the sweet graphics for my poll results. Pie AND bar charts, people. You don’t know what you’re missing.
The Better You Look, the More Creepy Guys Hit on You
At the risk of sounding vain, when I look good, I often know I look good. Although sometimes, I am utterly clueless about it. I’m still not sure if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy — that when someone knows they look good, they project self-confidence, which is attractive, making them come across as looking good — or whether it’s just being honest with oneself. Either way, it seems to work.
As I got ready for my friend KP’s birthday bash last Friday night, I knew I was looking good. I finally figured out how to wear two cute things from my wardrobe (my jacket still had the tags on it from a year before). My hair was perfectly flippy. I felt confident.
So when I got to the bar and saw that there were a ton of unaccompanied guys, I was thrilled. I was there to hang out with my friends, don’t get me wrong, but I do need practice talking to boys. This seemed like the perfect opportunity.
I forgot, however, about the perverse Murphy’s Law of meeting people: when you look good, only creepy guys seem to notice. So, when a floppy-haired guy in a blazer (with pocket square!) and jeans crashed the party and started talking to KP and me, I really shouldn’t have been surprised.
I couldn’t tell if his slightly slurred speech was because he was drunk or because he was trying to come across as sauve, but KP kicked him to the curb when she said, “Who are you and what are you doing at my birthday party?” His half-hearted offers of buying us tequila shots retracted, he sheepishly went back to the main bar upstairs. Yet he still retained a slight swagger, the way only d-bags really can.
But of course, fueled by some more liquid courage, he returned later to chat up Sonia and me. The encounter doesn’t really merit a play-by-play. It’s more deserving of a bulleted list.
- He offers to buy us shots.
- We say we’re not doing shots.
- He says we’re missing out and that “we don’t understand the art of doing shots.” (Let the record show that he insulted us first.)
- He brings up that he’s from Texas for the first time.
- He says we’re all going to do tequila shots.
- I say that’s an obvious choice.
- He suggests scotch.
- I say it’s criminal to do shots of scotch. But I’ll drink bourbon.
- After much back and forth, he buys us shots of Maker’s, because he’s from Texas and he grew up on bourbon.
- We all drink them. Sonia does her first-ever bourbon shot.
- He says he didn’t think we’d actually do them in a way that I think is genuinely intended to convey respect for the fact we did do them but actually conveys a bit of derision because he still thinks we’re the kind of girls who don’t do shots. Which we’re not, but come on, we’re not in college anymore. Since when is it bad for girls to appreciate liquor?
- He says he’s from Texas, but his family is from Scotland, so he wants to buy us scotch and sodas.
- We politely decline.
- He insists, saying that the bar has a scotch made by his family over in Scotland.
- Our friend D. tells us she can give us a ride home if we leave soon.
- We politely decline the scotch and sodas.
- He buys them anyway.
- We take two sips of them, nod in agreement when he points out the peaty flavor of the scotch, then apologize for not finishing them because our ride is leaving.
- We leave.
Why do I bother getting dolled up if these are the interactions I’m going to have?
Types of Bad Kissers
My friend Stephanie Twittered about these hilarious illustrations of types of bad kissers. Perfect fodder for next week’s poll!
Mingle’s 10 reasons it would rule to date a unicorn is pretty funny too.
11.10.08
The Valentine’s Day Poll | A 100E, 20D Poll
This started off as a 4:30 poll between my friend Andrew and me. It’s definitely my best one, so I’m reposting it here. The formatting will be a bit odd, but bear with me.
The scenario: You’ve been out with the same guy/girl two or three times. You like him/her, but you’re still on the fence. It just so happens that your next date is on Valentine’s Day. For each of the following four situations, say whether you’d be fine with it, whether it’s a red flag, or whether it’s a dealbreaker. Note: they don’t all happen. Consider each one a unique event.
Situation 1
Situation 2
Situation 3
Situation 4
Read the full poll results, along with some commentary from the verbal polls.
11.09.08
The Fabled Criteria
One frustrating thing about J., my former co-worker/almost fling, is that we meet each other’s criteria. (Not that that means anything beyond exactly that.) In many ways, he’s made me add to my criteria, or realize some things that I need, not just want. For example, I’ve always thought that I need a guy who can slow me down without stopping me. I need to be active — just not as active as I am. But hanging out with J. made me realize that I need a guy who’s steady and stable, and who grounds me just by being around. I’m a sponge for that kind of thing.
In no particular order, here’s my criteria for my ideal guy:
- Smart: curious, open-minded, intellectually challenges me while letting his own ideas be challenged by me
- Funny: clever and/or slightly absurd sense of humor, slightly inappropriate sense of humor is preferable
- Conspiratorial: I want a partner in crime, someone to snicker in a corner with or run off and plan a practical joke on someone together
- Emotionally steady: More than someone to pour my heart out to when I’m upset, I need someone who can help ground me, be my emotional anchor
- Laughs at my jokes, even the inappropriate ones (P. once told me, “You make every joke inappropriate.” That was one of my favorite compliments)
- Doesn’t interrupt me
- Celebrates birthdays, meaning mine
- Says “yes” or “maybe” to new things more often than “no”
- Physically affectionate: gives good hugs, preferably someone who can sleep all snuggled up
- Lusts after me (and I lust after him) — you know, not every minute or even every day, but you want to be with someone you want
- Extra credit: someone who wants to try to help me finish the NY Times crossword puzzle every Sunday over coffee and breakfast
Do you have any criteria that surprised you when you realized: “Oh wait, I totally need that”? Any criteria you’ve added (or subtracted) lately?
11.06.08
Some Random Thoughts
This 30 posts in 30 days thing is a good idea, but it will likely result in more posts like this. A random collection of thoughts, published before midnight.
- The cold weather has revealed something about my apartment that I’ve been suspecting since I moved in in May. It’s freezing. I’m going to either have to find a boyfriend this winter or buy a new down comforter. Or both. They’re not mutually exclusive.
- WordPress highlighted this post about lawn signs advertising dating websites, and as I skimmed it, I realized the author lives minutes away from where I grew up. Small world.
- My friend V. (might not be her real initial) assigned the other girls in our knitting group to find guys for us. Preliminary results are that the hot jock teachers and sports coaches that Annie works with at her school: good matches for V. The nerdy, uberdork researchers who work with Katie’s husband: good matches for me.
11.05.08
“Another Old Flame Burns Out”
An old friend texted me out of the blue on election night: “Doesn’t B. look like Sarah Palin?” I told him to look on my Facebook profile for photos of my band, all dressed as Sarah Palin for our annual Halloween show.” B. looked just like Tina Fey dressed as Sarah Palin. I realized that he might not know that B. got married recently. He didn’t. “Another old flame burns out,” he wrote.
One of the hardest things about getting older and still being single is seeing everyone else start to get hitched. Especially people you either dated or carry a small torch for (or both). The possibilities are not endless; they end.
I didn’t really pay that much to this phenomenon until I looked at my various groups of friends:
- High school friends: 2 out of 5 married
- College roommates: 5 out of 6 married
- Knitting group: 4 out of 6 married or engaged
- Work friends: 0 out of (a bunch) married
- Editor friends: 0 out of 6 married
- Bluegrass band: 3 out of 4 married
- (Former) country band: 5 out of 6 married or in committed, long-term relationships
Strangely, most of my friend groups are groups of six (my high school friend group was six, until we were booted by the girl we were going to boot).
I’ve realized that my level of comfort with my singledom relates a bit to whom I spend time around. Married people? I feel abnormal, anxious, like I’m behind. Single people? I feel normal, but that I want to find someone. Nervous without the anxiety, sometimes even with anticipation.
It’s even harder when your exes meet people. As I’ve mentioned before, my ex, D.D., started dating other women very, very soon after we broke up. He’d been dating his girlfriend for nearly two years. I ran into my other significant ex, C.C., walking down my street with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. When he saw me, he dropped her hand out of surprise, and I felt bad. I was so happy for him.
I know someday it’ll be me, but sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith when you feel like a member of a dying breed. I need to believe in abundance. The universe will provide. I deserve happiness, just like anyone does. Repeat until hitched.
(Parts of this post may be inspired by my recent obsession with election polling data, especially Nate Silver’s awesome site, FiveThirtyEight.com.)
Soundtrack: “Where Are All the Girls I Used to Cheat With” by Keith Whitley
