02.13.08
Culinary compatibility, the ultimate test?
We editors are always looking for new angles for the same old topics — called “evergreens” — that we have to cover year after year. Holidays are particularly ripe: how many ways can you cover Valentine’s Day? But still, I was surprised to see that both the New York Times and the San Francisco Chronicle ran stories today on whether vegetarians and meat-eaters (or other couple who can’t line up gastronomically) can really make it work.
For me, it’s not so much about what a guy eats, it’s whether the person’s attitude towards food is an indicator of his attitude towards other things. My last boyfriend didn’t like food, period, and we started dating at a time when I was starting to really enjoy food and get in touch with my senses.
He was a really good sport at the beginning, trying different things that I would cook and places I would want to go to eat. At a certain point, though, he stopped trying, sticking to just the burritos, pizza, and one of three different brunch combinations (two of which involved scrambled eggs) that he ate before he met me. And he stopped trying in the relationship, too.
But when my unflappable friend Katie married a vegetarian, she took it all in stride. She doesn’t avoid meat when she’s out with us, but she cooks great vegetarian food at home. Rather than look at it as giving something up, it seems that she’s relished the challenge.
So maybe the real issue is: if someone can’t compromise on food, does that mean they can’t compromise on other things? After all, if you’re going to dig in your heels about not wanting to eat a meal someone’s cooked for you, when the real purpose of a dinner or meal is to spend time with each other (and satisfy one of our basic needs as humans), how will you behave when you reach an impasse over something important? You know, like how to raise your kids.
So it’s not that I wouldn’t date a vegetarian (vegan, I’d be wary of), but if he drew a line in the sand and only wanted to eat at certain restaurants — his restaurants — well, that’s a dealbreaker. Because someone who turns dining out into an adversarial situation is not going to be a fun person to have any disagreement with.
02.08.08
Being single in your 30s is like living on the Island of Misfit Toys
I was out tonight with some friends at a dive bar downtown. My friend T. started talking about how, at strip clubs, you know exactly where you stand. The power relationship is clear: women are using their sexuality to get money out of men. He pointed to the two girls in tight, low-cut red tank tops hawking tequila shots at the bar as examples of women who manipulate men (again, in that example, to get them to spend money).
He’s divorced, 32, and is one of the many people I know whose marriages ended because their spouse cheated on them. “She gets 67% of my money,” he said, “and I have this stigma.” “Half the single guys I know in their 30s are divorced,” I said, “There’s no stigma.”
But that’s not what he meant. The stigma is on him. He’s been so affected by the whole experience that he doesn’t trust women. That’s why he likes strip clubs, he knows where he stands. He knows he’s being manipulated and exactly how, and he can choose whether to be a part of it or not. (He chooses to be a part of it fairly frequently. I say that without any judgement)
By the time you’re in your 30s, you’re either married or been in a long relationship that probably ended up with you getting your heart really broken. Or you’ve been through both. Some of us bounce back quickly, some of us lose a year or two to processing through the heartbreak and the lingering issues, some people never quite recover. We all in various states of brokenness, like the island of misfit toys.
Which means that at any given point, there are a lot of us who are trying to figure it all out after thinking, at some point, that we had it figured out. But then we discovered we were wrong, and we have to learn how to not only trust other people again, but to trust ourselves and our own judgement.
It’s really no wonder that so many of us have trust issues, that we have our walls up. It’s just another element on the dating landscape, something to understand and work with — and, hopefully, through.
Best Breakup Songs
I love a good breakup song, I admit it. Just to add some fodder to this blog, here’s my list of favorite breakup songs, in no particular order:
- “Ruin My Day,” Jon Brion
- “Song for the Dumped,” Ben Folds Five
- “We’ve Never Met,” Neko Case
- “Since U Been Gone,” Kelly Clarkson
- “I’m Looking Through You,” the Beatles
- “Lone Wolf,” the Eels (I actually don’t know what this song is about, but I think it’s something about being single)
- “Back to Me,” Kathleen Edwards
- “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You,” Colin Hay
What do you think? Any songs that have gotten you through a breakup or extended singledom?
Dating Is Dying, Apparently
At least on college campuses. This news story says that recent research shows that college students are hooking up, rather than dating. “I don’t know when the last time I went on a date was,” says one college guy.
My first reaction was, well, doy. People in college don’t date, unless they’re dating. You know, you have to eat, you want to see a movie, you can do it with either your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. You might invite someone you’re interested in, but why bother, really, when you could see that person in class, at a party, or at the local hangout.
But what is a date? Is it really just, “I’m hungry, want to go get something to eat with me?” To me, a date implies intention. I want to spend time with this person, let’s do something together so that we can meet our primary goal of spending quality time together. Maybe that’s one reason why long-term relationships with a person you like so often fizzle: the intention, the desire to make spending time with that person feel special disappears, and all you’re left with is, “Hey, want me to pick up some King of Thai on my way home?”
V., a 30-year-old super-cute woman in my knitting group, was talking about her recent Match.com dates. “I’m really liking the meeting up for drinks dates,” she said. “And this might sound weird, but I haven’t paid for anything. The guy always pays.” That seems to speak to the intentionality of it, too. You’re making an investment (albeit only an $8 one), into the possibility that this will work out. And that’s all it really takes to make something feel special.
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02.01.08
Obstacle #1: Unrequited Crushes
Tonight, as I was out for drinks for my friend A’s birthday, I confronted one of my obstacles for the whole 100 emails/20 dates thing: I have several concurrent unrequited crushes right now.
There are two issues with all these crushes:
- I have trouble connecting with strangers. That’s why my more successful relationships have started off as friendships.
- I have trouble believing that my guy friends will like me. That’s why I am unable to transition friendships with potential into romantic relationships.
Stalemate.
D. brings up both of those issues. As soon as I met him, I immediately liked him; he’s smart, funny, a smart-ass, good-looking, has an interesting point of view, and a great voice. He meets the criteria. But I rarely have a decent conversation with him, partly because I know I have a crush on him and perhaps partly because people just don’t know what to make of me when they first get to know me. I’m a Gemini. I’m hard to pin down.
He joined up with us tonight at Dada, and for the first time in ages, we were actually conversing. I even achieved one of my goals, to not be so physically reserved. OK, so I punched him (jokingly), but it was physical contact, right? Progress!
But then he left to hang out with a girl who:
- Is skinny and cute
- Does not appear to be very bright (admittedly, I have only had limited interactions with her)
- Recently broke up with her boyfriend, with whom she was living
- Is significantly years younger than him
And therein lies the problem for women my age. Guys who meet all the criteria for a good boyfriend for girls like me are not looking for good girlfriends like me.
So really? I have to do Match? These friend crushes aren’t going to pan out? I am resisting this like Daniel Baldwin is resisting Celebrity Rehab.
I’m going to dip my toe into the waters on Craigslist first. I think I need to work up to Match.
